100 Funny Mark Twain Quotes to Make You Laugh

Love funny Mark Twain quotes?

A master of wit, Twain is a quote lover’s delight.

He loved paraprosdokians – a wordplay where the latter part of a sentence or phrase is a twist, causing the reader or listener to reframe the earlier part.

Get ready to laugh! But beware –

Mark Twain quotes can be sharp and sarcastic.

Funny Mark Twain Quotes

Let’s kick it off with these humorous quotes.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.
~ Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
~ Mark Twain

You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
~ Mark Twain

I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
~ Mark Twain

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.
~ Mark Twain

I am as prompt as a clock, if I only know the day a thing is wanted – otherwise I am a natural procrastinaturalist.
~ Mark Twain

In my experience, previously counted chickens never do hatch.
~ Mark Twain

To create man was a fine and original idea; but to add the sheep was a tautology.
~ Mark Twain

Put all your eggs in one basket – and watch that basket!
~ Mark Twain

Here’s a great collection of funny Facebook quotes.

Mark Twain Quotes About Travel

Clever commentary on travel.

I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
~ Mark Twain

There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land (and work) again after a cheerful, careless voyage.
~ Mark Twain

Travel has no longer any charm for me. I have seen all the foreign countries I want to except heaven and hell, and I have only a vague curiosity about one of those.
~ Mark Twain

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.
~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain Quotes on Death

Quotable quotes on death. And the next section has his words about life!

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
~ Mark Twain

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
~ Mark Twain

Death is the starlit strip between the companionship of yesterday and the reunion of tomorrow.
~ Mark Twain

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
~ Mark Twain

Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.
~ Mark Twain

I think we never become really and genuinely our entire and honest selves until we are dead – and not then until we have been dead years and years. People ought to start dead, and they would be honest so much earlier.
~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain Quotes on Life

Life is full of absurdities. Mr. Twain eloquently poked fun at several.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~ Mark Twain

Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
~ Mark Twain

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
~ Mark Twain

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
~ Mark Twain

Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
~ Mark Twain

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
~ Mark Twain

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
~ Mark Twain

When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.
~ Mark Twain

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
~ Mark Twain

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
~ Mark Twain

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.
~ Mark Twain

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
~ Mark Twain

Each person is born to one possession which outvalues all his others – his last breath.
~ Mark Twain

It is the epitome of life. The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity.
~ Mark Twain

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain Quotes on Truth

Twain telling the truth about truth. Next section, of course, is politics 😉

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
~ Mark Twain

Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
~ Mark Twain

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.
~ Mark Twain

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
~ Mark Twain

I don’t mind what the opposition say of me so long as they don’t tell the truth about me. But when they descend to telling the truth about me I consider that this is taking an unfair advantage.
~ Mark Twain

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain Quotes About Politics

Sarcastic sayings, anyone?

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
~ Mark Twain

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.
~ Mark Twain

Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.
~ Mark Twain

If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it.
~ Mark Twain

The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.
~ Mark Twain

Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
~ Mark Twain

In truth I care little about any party’s politics—the man behind it is the important thing.
~ Mark Twain

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain Quotes on History

Looking back on history with humor.

A historian who would convey the truth must lie. Often he must enlarge the truth by diameters, otherwise his reader would not be able to see it.
~ Mark Twain

Herodotus says, “Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all: The conscientious historian will correct these defects.”
~ Mark Twain

The minor events of history are valuable, although not always showy and picturesque.
~ Mark Twain

Many public-school children seem to know only two dates – 1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don’t know what happened on either occasion.
~ Mark Twain

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain Quotes About Cats

Cuddly cat quotes! Dogs come next.

If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.
~ Mark Twain

Of all God’s creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.
~ Mark Twain

When a man loves cats, I am his friend and comrade, without further introduction.
~ Mark Twain

A person that started in to carry a cat home by the tail was getting knowledge that was always going to be useful to him, and warn’t ever going to grow dim or doubtful.
~ Mark Twain

A man’s treatment of a dog is no indication of the man’s nature, but his treatment of a cat is. It is the crucial test. None but the humane treat a cat well.
~ Mark Twain

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain Quotes About Dogs

Twin was devoted to dogs too!

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.
~ Mark Twain

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
~ Mark Twain

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man’s.
~ Mark Twain

The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.
~ Mark Twain

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
~ Mark Twain

You might also like these dog best friend quotes.

Mark Twain Quotes on Love

Who knew Mr. Twain was such a romantic?

To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.
~ Mark Twain

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
~ Mark Twain

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
~ Mark Twain

Love is not a product of reasonings and statistics. It just comes – none knows whence – and cannot explain itself.
~ Mark Twain

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
~ Mark Twain

True love is the only heart disease that is best left to “run on” – the only affection of the heart for which there is no help, and none desired.
~ Mark Twain

Love is a madness; if thwarted it develops fast.
~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain Quotes on Education

Smarten up with these sassy sayings!

The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.
~ Mark Twain

′Classic′ – a book which people praise and don’t read.
~ Mark Twain

Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.
~ Mark Twain

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
~ Mark Twain

If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re misinformed.
~ Mark Twain

Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
~ Mark Twain

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
~ Mark Twain

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
~ Mark Twain

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
~ Mark Twain

Inspirational Mark Twain Quotes

More inspiration and motivation from Mr. Twain.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).
~ Mark Twain

Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.
~ Mark Twain

The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
~ Mark Twain

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
~ Mark Twain

The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.
~ Mark Twain

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
~ Mark Twain

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.
~ Mark Twain

Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.
~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain Writing Quotes

Why wouldn’t we take writing advice from one of the greats?

Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
~ Mark Twain

The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter. ’Tis the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.
~ Mark Twain

I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
~ Mark Twain

My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water.
~ Mark Twain

The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it.
~ Mark Twain

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.
~ Mark Twain

More Mark Twain Quotes

Can’t stop, won’t stop. More below! And then 10 short tweetables.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir… mighty scarce.
~ Mark Twain

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
~ Mark Twain

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!
~ Mark Twain

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
~ Mark Twain

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
~ Mark Twain

It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt.
~ Mark Twain

Short Mark Twain Quotes [tweetable!]

Here are 10 famous Mark Twain quotes on an infographic from sassipior.com – and typed out for you, ready to click and tweet!

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt. ~ Mark Twain Click to tweet this!

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. ~ Mark Twain Click to tweet this!

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~ Mark Twain Click to tweet this!

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. ~ Mark Twain Click to tweet this!

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. ~ Mark Twain Click to tweet this!

Buy land, they’re not making it any more. ~ Mark Twain Click to tweet this!

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~ Mark Twain Click to tweet this!

Let us live so that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry. ~ Mark Twain Click to tweet this!

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. ~ Mark Twain Click to tweet this!

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. ~ Mark Twain Click to tweet this!

About Mark Twain Quote Images

I hope you enjoyed these! Remember, all images on this website are ©Louise Myers.  Feel free to pin them to Pinterest, since they’ll link back to this page.

Get creative and make your own! There are many easy ways to make picture quotes online and apps to quickly add text to photos.

Copy and paste the quotes into your graphics app, or use them as Instagram captions and Facebook status updates.

Born Samuel Langhorne Clemens, Twain was lauded by The New York Times as the “greatest humorist [the United States] has produced.”

Be sure to share a quote on social media in honor of his birth anniversary on November 30. He was born November 30, 1835 and died April 21, 1910.

Or anytime!

Which is your favorite Mark Twain quote? Give it a tweet!

Then check out the best quotes for every season and reason.