Fishing for funny Facebook status quotes to get Likes?
Giving friends a good laugh is the best way to keep your Facebook profile active!
You’ve found the best place for funny jokes and FB status updates, sorted by categories you’ll love:
- Sarcastic statuses
- Relationship status updates
- Quotes about love, marriage, family, friends
- Political commentary (non-partisan!)
- Poking fun at Facebook, Twitter and more
- And just plain hilarious stuff!
The great thing is, they’re easy to copy-paste, and you can come back for more daily.
Let’s get started!
Sarcastic Status Updates for Facebook
If you love a little snark, copy one of these short quotes and silly sayings now!
If we tell people the brain is an app, maybe they’ll start using it.
It means more work for me when I find myself with people who can’t make fun of themselves.
Quitting Facebook is the new adult version of running away from home. We all know you’re doing it for attention and we all know that you’ll be back!
If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn’t at work.
Sarcasm helps keep people from understanding you’re saying what you really think of them.
I’ve had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my brain-to-mouth filter is malfunctioning.
People keep saying “I hate to bother you.” Maybe they should learn how to hate it a little bit more.
7 billion people on the planet. I can only tolerate probably 10 of them.
TEIAM — problem solved.
People think I’m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they’re stupid).
Exercise can add more years to your life. I just ran a mile and I already feel like I’m 82.
Thanks for the birthday wishes from everyone who noticed my name today in the upper right corner of your Facebook page.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
I only drink on two occasions. When it’s my birthday and when it’s not.
Sometimes I drink water – just to surprise my liver.
Finding a job in this economy is like playing Where’s Waldo? Except that Waldo is looking for a job, too.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
I don’t hate school. I just hate the teachers, the homework, the exams, and waking up early in the morning.
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
Back in 5 minutes (If not, read this status again).
I wouldn’t say you’re stupid. You are, but I wouldn’t say it.
For more funny one liners, try these paraprosdokians.
Or keep scrolling for more!
Funny Facebook Relationship Status Updates
These Funny Facebook statuses will get their laughs – and Likes!
Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status. After three, it should default to unstable.
I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.
Relationship Status: COMING SOON
If your relationship status says, “It’s complicated,” maybe you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single.”
A relationship should be between two people, not the whole world.
If you really loved me, you would say it on my Facebook Wall.
Funny Facebook Quotes about Love
These cute quotes are the best medicine when love is what ails ya.
I Facebook Like button you but I don’t Facebook Love button you.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table, I was trying to make room for a pizza.
I need someone to touch me the same way a woman touches a pair of shoes she can’t afford.
My girlfriend said I’m crazy. The weird things, she still likes me.
The trouble with being awesome is that opposites attract.
For the singles out there, stop searching for love or you’ll just end up getting married.
I’m not drunk, I’m in love.
I am single because God is busy writing the best love story for me.
Love the person who deserves it, not the one who requires it.
Relationships these days start with a Like.
A big shout out to those wonderful looking women who date broke and unattractive men. Indeed, you keep hope alive. Thanks.
I love my bed, but I’d rather be in yours.
I never get to ask why you’re still married, so stop asking why I’m still single.
Have you seen these funny quotes about friends?
Sarcastic Updates about Marriage
True love – or more sarcastic statuses? It’s all good with these funny things.
I didn’t find out what happiness meant until I got married… and then it was too late.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Friends are forever – until they get married.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life and I don’t try to run mine.
Marriage is like going to an eatery, ordering something, then taking a glance at a nearby table and wishing you had ordered that.
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Whoever invented the idea that your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
Love sarcastic sayings? Try these famous Mark Twain quotes.
Or keep scrolling for family, friends, political, and hilarious FB status updates!
Funny Facebook Status Updates about Family
First comes love, then comes marriage… then kids make it a family!
Looking for your kids? Turn off the Wi-Fi and suddenly they appear.
I get kids confused each time I tell them I’m older than the internet.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
It doesn’t make any sense to share your room with your spouse when kids have their own rooms.
Waiting in the car is a pretty important part of being a Dad.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
If you say you love your family, how come there’s one remaining slice of pizza for three of you?
Mosquitoes are like family – they suck blood.
I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle! Too bad he’s dreaming too.
Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. But send a man to the store to get 5 items; he will come home with 4. It’s simple science.
Until you hear a child sing, you never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are.
I already had kids that didn’t believe me by the time I realized my parents were right.
You don’t know something? Google it. You don’t know someone? Facebook it. You don’t know where something is? MOM!
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Funny Political Status Updates
It wouldn’t be Facebook without political arguments! Have your say with these sayings.
I have a busy day ahead: I have trouble to start, rumors to spread, and people to argue with.
One upside to the apocalypse would be the end of people arguing politics on Facebook.
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. ~Abba Eban
Good morning people of my country. Tell me, what are we offended by today?
We live in a nation where pizza gets to your home sooner than the cops.
War doesn’t determine who’s right. It determines who’s left.
Remember when game requests were the only things that got you annoyed on your Facebook news feed?
I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without anyone questioning their motives.
Staying connected is more important than making your point.
Election season has been a great opportunity to whittle down my Facebook friends.
Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Life would be perfect if some girls had mute buttons, some guys had edit buttons, bad times had fast forward buttons, and good times had pause buttons.
Today’s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.
I’m working hard not to offend so many people by unfriending anyone who’s easily offended.
If you think things can’t get worse, it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
No prejudice; I hate everyone equally.
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. ~Mark Twain
Freedom means the right to yell, “THEATRE!” in a crowded fire.
Find more freedom quotes, or keep scrolling for silly social updates 🙂
Funny Quotes about Social Media Platforms
Social media can cause much unhappiness – and a lot of entertainment! Keep friends amused with a social status update today.
I’ve unfriended so many people on Facebook it feels like MySpace.
Social media is perfect because it satisfies my desire to be alone while still getting attention from people.
Dear Facebook: Please stop asking me what’s on my mind. I’m gonna get myself in trouble if I keep spilling my guts to you.
I can’t wait for TikTok to reunite me with everyone I’ve blocked on Facebook.
That awkward moment when you wave to a stranger on Facebook by accident.
Crying? Grab a tissue, not Facebook.
I hope I die doing what I love: checking my Facebook notifications while driving.
“W.T.F.” is WhatsApp, Twitter, and Facebook.
If my life was an action movie, my boss would be the spy trying to sabotage my mission, and my mission would be going on Facebook.
Facebook resembles a jail since you write on its wall.
I wouldn’t need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.
I’m sorry that I’m not updating my Facebook status. My cat ate my mouse.
It’s almost bedtime, so I’ll just check my email, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick.
Why will you see Voldemort on Instagram, but you won’t find him on Facebook? Because he’s got followers, not friends!
What password does Forrest Gump use for his Facebook account? 1forrest1!
Doncha hate it when someone tags you in a photo you look horrible in because they look so good?
Don’t trust a person with only one Facebook picture.
Facebook needs three buttons, “Like”, “Dislike” and “Stop being stupid.”
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Facebook is a fridge. When you’re alone, you open it to see if there’s anything.
Facebook is where hypocrisy, falseness, double standards, rumors, and depression meet up for coffee.
I decided to cancel my Twitter account. I don’t want to sound paranoid, but I was pretty sure people were following me.
Facebook should have a ‘nobody cares’ choice as well.
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
I want to make my name on Facebook ‘Nobody’. So when I see someone post something stupid I can like it, and it will say ‘Nobody Likes This’.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life.
You’re so vain, you probably think this status is about you.
If I don’t log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must’ve kidnapped me!
I thought I was awesomely creative, imaginative, and original. Then I found Pinterest.
Facebook in short: Add Friend – > Approve – > Write on Wall – > Chat – > Block.
That moment when someone you met for 3 seconds sends you a Facebook friend request.
You have Facebook? Yup. You have Whatsapp? Yup. You have love? Forgot to install it.
The greatest thing about Facebook is that you can quote something and totally make up the source. ~Abraham Lincoln
May your life someday be as good as you make it out to be on Facebook.
Nothing to update on Facebook? Pretend that you’re busy at a party.
Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone’s bathroom looks like!
Facebook funny status: Tomato is a fruit, but don’t put it in a fruit salad.
Whisper down the lane is not as much fun on Facebook as it was when we used to sit in rows on the floor of the school gymnasium.
I’m wondering why logging onto Facebook has become a part of the everyday routine. Do I really have nothing better to do?
Who needs TV drama? We’ve got Facebook.
Facebook suggested friends are the people I am trying to avoid intentionally.
Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting a dictionary.
Some people need to realize that Facebook is a social network, not a diary.
Sick of social yet? Let ’em know with social media break quotes.
Hilarious Facebook Updates
Go crazy, go normal. It’s all here if it’s funny.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
Serenity now = insanity later.
When I don’t need to remember anything, it’s really amazing the things that come to my memory.
Who is Pete and why is it for his sake?
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you: the more you have, the longer you live.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
I stepped on a cornflake today! So I am a serial killer now.
I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.
I just printed on Wireless Printer but I’m not sure which neighbor has my document.
I don’t go crazy, I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
Give a man a fish and he will have food for one day. Teach him to catch fish and he will spend all day at the lake drinking beer.
I hate it when people text “Call me.” I’m going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I’ll say “text me,” then hang up.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
I never thought I’d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning. I was right!
I’ve officially been diagnosed with OFCD (Obsessive Facebook Checking Disorder). I have also been told that I am beyond cure. Please pray for me.
Is running late to work considered exercise?
Books have the knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn’t pay. So if you keep reading, you’ll go broke.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.
Without a candy crush, I am a kid with no candy.
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My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.
My brain is like the Bermuda triangle. Everything that comes inside can never be found again.
A dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing” is the same as a woman saying “I’m not mad at you.”
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets the words wrong.
Don’t make me have to wound your inner child.
It recently became clear to me that the letters “T” and “G” are too close together on the keyboard. This is why I’ll never be ending an email with the word “Regards” ever again.
Facebook has two types of people. The ones who get more likes, and men.
I am not crazy! At least, no more than any normal person should be.
I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Commas save lives, as in this example: “Let’s eat grandpa.” vs “Let’s eat, grandpa.”
The only thing I hate more than having a dirty house is cleaning.
I like to name my iPod “Titanic,” so when it says “Syncing Titanic,” I click cancel, and it makes me feel like a hero.
Line dancing was originally invented by women waiting in line for the bathroom.
The first five days after the weekend are tough.
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.
I am not 40 years old; I’m just 18 with 22 years of experience.
If you get a loan at the bank you’ll be paying it back for 30 years. If you rob a bank it’ll be 10 years. Follow me for more financial advice.
I accidentally changed my GPS voice to “Male.” Now it says “It’s around here somewhere, just keep driving.”
When my boss told me this is the fifth time this week that I’m late, I smiled and thought to myself, it’s Friday!!
When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
I once stood in the back and said, “Everyone attack!” but it didn’t turn into a Ballroom Blitz.
I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s. That’s because she changes it more often.
If you want to embarrass a psychic, throw a surprise party.
I’m not lazy, I’m just in energy-saving mode.
You don’t want to question me. I’ve forgotten more in the past week than you’ve learned your whole life.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
If you are reading this, be happy you know how to read.
When I was born I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
I am who I am. Your approval is not needed.
You can’t be late until you show up.
When your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity, you know you’re broke.
Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don’t play their game.
Want to freak out your neighbors? Name your wifi “FBI Surveillance Van.”
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I’m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said, “Parking Fine.”
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I know what you’re doing right now… You’re reading on my wall, right?!?
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Best Status Updates about Friends
What would Facebook be without friends?
Never let your friends alone. Disturb them always.
I would delete you off my Facebook friends list, but then you wouldn’t be able to see all the fun things I do without you.
Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.
Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having, I’m here to read about it on Facebook.
If our friendship were a playlist, what would you name it and why?
Why do you think you and I are such good friends?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don’t read this until the appropriate day).
Delete me, Poke me, Like me, Limit me… The choice is yours…
Welcome to Facebook, where no one is really your friend.
Adding you as my friend doesn’t mean I like you. I did it just to increase my friend list.
My best friend brings out the best in me.
A good friend helps you up when you fall, but a best friend laughs in your face and trips you up again!!!
Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
My Facebook friends are like my pen collection. I have 100 but only one writes.
Friends are like boobs: some are real, some are fake.
The kids next door challenged me to a water balloon fight. I’m just updating my status while waiting for the water to boil.
Often times, people take me for a good listener. But the thing is, I just don’t want to talk at the moment.
Friends should be like books, few, but hand-selected. ~C.J. Langenhoven
If you send me a friend request on Facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you’re a transformer.
Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
A long time ago, I used to have a life. Then someone told me to create a Facebook account.
After you cut ’em down, you can boost ’em up with self esteem quotes.
Get a lot of likes by copy-pasting one of these into Facebook today.
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For more quotes, check out my list of the best quote sites!